What To Do When Grief Hits

When something we once had — a parent, a spouse, a child, a job, a relationship, a dream of what our future would look like — is lost, we can experience this very colossal and intense thing that is packed into one small word. “Grief.”

So, what is grief?

Grief happens because of a loss and is a natural, inevitable part of life. Once we lose something, especially a meaningful connection through a death, our emotions, our minds, and our bodies react as we grieve. This process can look different for everyone. (Barboza et al., 2021) There is no one way of grieving. There are, however, common symptoms that can occur. (Grief and Loss, 2019)

What can healthy grieving look like?

Important Note: The following symptoms do not occur in any specific order.

Feeling Related Symptoms:

• Shock

• Panic

• Guilt

• Anger

• Irritability

• Feelings of euphoria

• Extreme sadness

• Feeling resigned to the situation

• Return of hopefulness

• Acceptance

Physical symptoms:

• Fatigue

• Headaches

• Body aches

• Upset stomach

• Excessive sleeping or interruptions in sleep

• Overworking

• Difficulty getting back to your routine

Thought Related Symptoms:

• Memory issues

• Confusion

• Distraction

• Preoccupation (e.g. reoccurring thoughts about the person who passed)

• Concentration issues

(Grief and Loss, 2019)

What should we do when grief hits?

As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor I have spent time as both a bereavement counselor for hospice patients and their families and as a psycho-therapist in group and private practice. I unfortunately, much like you, have also experienced a great loss myself… my dad. Because of these professional and personal experiences I want to do what I can to help others who are experiencing the heavy weight of grief that can come with loss.

There are a few simple things I would recommend that you do when you feel grief. I’ll walk through them below. Before I do, I want to offer you an analogy to help frame why it’s so important for us to tend to our feelings in a healthy way.

First, an analogy for context.

Imagine this: It’s a busy Saturday morning and you’re in the middle of running an errand with dozens of people walking past you. All of the sudden your stomach starts to ache and you think “Oh, wow. I’m pretty hungry. I forgot to eat breakfast.” You would then start thinking about how to solve this very human problem; hunger. You’d be scanning your brain for things you could eat that are close by. Then, five minutes later, you’d be buying a sandwich at the coffee shop right across the street. Before you know it, that gurgling in your stomach would be gone. Problem solved. You’re back in business and finishing up your To Do List.

It’s pretty simple. Our body has a physical feeling. We notice. We label it without judgment. We tend to it. We move on.

So why don’t we treat our emotional feelings the same way? With our feelings, it’s not odd for people to ignore or push them down due to embarrassment or not wanting to deal with unpleasant feelings in general.

So now imagine how problematic it would be if we treated our hunger pangs the way we treat our emotional feelings, sometimes, when we start to grieve. It could look something like this: We’re out running errands on a busy Saturday morning when we have hunger pangs. We think “Oh no, am I getting a stomach ache? No, I’m not. I’m fine. I’m fine. Oh gosh, can anyone hear my stomach growling? This is so embarrassing. Stomach, seriously, stop. You’re fine.” We’d then put a big smile on our faces, pray that no one heard anything, and then continue about our day. Never once would we acknowledge that we were ever hungry. Worse, we’d never even stop to eat. We’d just kept going about our day.

Can you imagine the problems that would occur if we kept ignoring our own hunger like this? Now imagine what would happen if we did this with our emotional feelings.

This brings me to my first recommendation…

1.Have your feelings. Don’t judge them.

When you notice yourself tearing up or having a feeling that you can tie to grieving - let it out. Excuse yourself if you need to, but let it out. If it’s really intense, try boxed breathing or doing a grounding exercise. One of my favorites is to describe the room you’re in as if it’s to a person who has never seen the room before. “You’ll see a blue and white vase, with yellow roses, in the far corner, next to a window.”

Doing any grounding exercise can take some of the mental and emotional energy away from your intense feelings and direct them towards a calm, in-the-moment task. (I can share more on grounding techniques in another blog.) Then, once you’re more regulated, you can go back to having whatever meaningful feelings you were having.

As you’re letting your feelings out, name them, don’t judge them. Think, for example, “Oh, I’m really sad right now because I’m thinking about my younger brother. That makes perfect sense. I really miss him.” Validate your own experience just like you would a child’s or your best friend’s.

Next, just like you would if you were hungry, figure out what you need to do to tend to that feeling. This brings me to my next suggestion…

2. Be kind to yourself. Tend to your own feelings.

Once you’ve named your own feeling and let yourself have that feeling, figure out what you need. Ask yourself in a nurturing way “What do I need? Do I need a hug? Would it help if I called my sister to talk this through? Or maybe I just need some time under a heated blanket with my dog by my side?” Whatever that answer is for you, as long as it’s healthy, do it.

Don’t forget to get enough calories in during this time, too, if you’ve lost your appetite. Tend to your own feelings and needs. You’re helping yourself grieve and being kind to yourself in the process.

3. Be kind to others, too.

It’s not odd to have moments of anger or irritability when we grieve. We’re human. This can happen. With that said, we should work really hard to not let our grief hurt others. Grieving doesn’t give you an excuse to take your anger out on others. Also, the people we might get angry with are also, likely, a part of our support system. We’d like to keep them that way, right? So, check in with yourself or ask someone you trust this question: “Am I being good to myself while not taking my feelings out on others? Am I good to them, too? If the answer is “yes,” great! Keep going. If the answer is “no” consider getting professional help like attending a support group for those who are grieving or attending individual therapy. Which brings me to my next suggestion…

4. Seek even more support if you need it.

Remember, grief is a healthy and normal part of life. There are no right or wrong steps to take as long as you’re being kind to yourself and others. If you find solace in reading a good self-help book, talking to friends, or taking daily walks then keep doing that. (Speaking of books, if you’re looking for a good one on grief I would highly recommend It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine.) Keep doing whatever keeps you grounded and connected to your feelings, the people around you, and your needs throughout the day.

If however, some time has passed and you’re not processing the grief or your grief is so intense that you’re not able to tend to daily tasks like bathing, eating, or working - it is likely time to seek help from a professional. Healthy grieving can turn into unhealthy grieving if not tended to or given proper support. This may be considered Prolonged Grief Disorder or Major Depressive Disorder but a professional will be the one to determine this for any one specific case.

Seeking professional help is especially important if you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or others while you grieve.  If your thoughts of longing go beyond just wanting to be with your loved one and instead you are starting to consider suicide or harming yourself or others please call 911 or your local hospital. You do not have to suffer like this. Help is there.

To sum it all up…

There is no right way to grieve or step-by-step stages that everyone goes through (as some of us were once told.) Different cultures see this process differently and have different expectations with it. Everyone is unique. An individual’s feelings may vary from day to day or even from moment to moment. (Barboza et al., 2021) This is all okay.

Remember to take care of your basic needs like eating and sleeping. Let yourself have feelings without judgement and then tend to them. Try breathing techniques and grounding exercises if it feels overwhelming. During the grieving process, make sure you’re being good to yourself while also being good to others. And seek out support if you need it.

As time goes on, and with support, grief should become easier to manage. With that said, it is important to know what unhealthy grief looks like, too, so that you can reach out for additional support if it’s needed.

I hope this blog has been helpful.

Until next time, take good care of you.

References

Barboza, J., Seedall, R., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2022). Meaning Co‐Construction: Facilitating Shared Family Meaning‐Making in Bereavement. Family Process, 61(1), 7–24. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12671

Grief and Loss. (2019). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/caregiving/grief-and-loss